


An Embarrassment of Riches

by WordsmithMusings



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Fluff, HEA, Hermione's Nook's Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest, M/M, Multi, Prince Albert is just the beginning, Ron doesn't understand, That's what he said, Total Crack Piece, everyone else is here for it, lots of flirtations, lots of innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:35:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23403847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsmithMusings/pseuds/WordsmithMusings
Summary: While popping in for her latest tattoo at the Marauder's Map, Hermione's boyfriend Neville happily shows off one of the many reasons they're together - leading to Hermione being faced with an embarrassment of riches.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Neville Longbottom
Comments: 28
Kudos: 64
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	An Embarrassment of Riches

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to Hermione's Nook Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest. My cards led to the following prompt: **_I saw you milking the snake on the Marauder's Map last night with Neville Longcock._**
> 
> This is my first time writing a crackfic, so I hope you enjoy it. Thank you as always to the amazing **EscapingArtist** for being an amazing emotional support trellis, and all the supportive authors I've met via HN. You guys are incredible and I adore you.
> 
> Blanket disclosure that I do not own HP, am not JKR, and any references that seem familiar otherwise are used with permission.
> 
> The rating is for language, innuendos, and allusion to sexual situations. If you are uncomfortable with slash or triads in any way PLEASE DO NOT READ. A reminder this is a MUGGLE AU and nobody died.
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy! xx the Wordsmith

"I saw you  _ milking the snake _ on the Marauder's map last night with Neville _ Longcock." _

  
  


Hermioned sighed as Ronald Weasley, ex-boyfriend extraordinaire, threw the accusation at the back of her head. They were at their mutual best friend, Harry Potter's house preparing for Sunday dinner and she had just picked up a bowl full of rolls when he spat the words at her. Setting the bowl on the table, she picked one up and launched it at his head. When the roll hit it's mark she high fived Ron's brother Fred, while George snickered across the table. To say that Ron's face turned the same color as his hair was an understatement. 

"Let's get one thing straight right now,  _ Ronald _ , you have absolutely zero say in who's snake I milk," she hissed, crossing her arms defiantly across her chest. "and it was AT "The Marauder's Map", not ON it," she added with a smirk, "but at least you got the Longcock part right. I'm fairly certain his father must've been half centaur."

The tea and water that went spewing across the table at her words caused her to laugh delightedly, though there was no saving the rolls or potato salad from the mess - much to Harry's dismay.

*

Several days later Ron was still grousing about spotting Hermione in a compromising position, with one of their oldest friends, as they walked through the door of The Marauder's Map Tattoo and Piercing shop aka Harry's Godfather's business. Sirius walked out to greet the two young men in between clients and rolled his eyes at the jealous twit. "You realize Mi is allowed to date and be, and yes, even sleep with other people Ron. You haven't been together in several years, and she is an incredibly attractive girl." the older man stated as he checked the appointment book behind the front counter.

"I know alright! But its NEVILLE! He was a backward buffoon in school, and yeah I mean I guess he's grown into his looks and he rescued that kid from that fire that one time. I mean, I guess he's loaded now that he's over 21, and got that inheritance from his parents too - but it's Neville! And when I called him Longcock instead of Longbottom she agreed! She's not supposed to know what his cock looks like - let alone agree!"

Harry sighed as Sirius gave him a curious look. "A lost cause then?" Harry nodded at his godfather. "Ron listen. If you're going to be here today, you need to be on your best behavior - Mi is coming in for a piece from me and I won't have you harassing clients."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," huffed Ron with a wave of his arm as the older man wandered to the back room. "Where are you going mate?" He demanded, watching Harry start to follow his godfather.

"Apprenticeship remember? We came in today to work?" Ron gave a sullen nod as he stared moodily at his shoes. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Sirius' brother Regulus walking into the room, "Either start cleaning up in here and mind the phones until Theo arrives with lunch or head home. We've got no room in the shop today for your moods."

Properly shamed, Ron got up and set to work - getting irritated all over again when their former rivals from Slytherin Prep arrived. Once a Gryffindor High Lion ALWAYS a Gryffindor High Lion. Ron was about to spout off again about "their kind", when Sirius and Regulus came out front to greet them. Theo Nott had worked their front counter for years and was notoriously good at convincing people they wanted to get new ink and part with their hard earned cash, while Draco Malfoy had shown himself to be incredibly talented with a needle. His apprenticeship with Regulus had started directly after graduation, and now seven years later he was a full fledged tattoo artist. No one knew what Blaise Zabini did exactly, but he was an excellent food runner and kept morale high whenever he was around.

It was into this tense atmosphere that Hermione Granger walked in, holding the hand of Neville Longbottom her boyfriend for many months Seeing Ronald she sighed heavily and kissed Neville. It was a sweet kiss, chaste even, but it still earned the wolf whistles from the motley crew. She shook her head with a grin before large hug to both Sirius and Harry and disappearing into the back 

After Hermione left, Neville greeted the other four men in the room,having befriended them years prior during his relationship with their friend Pansy Parkinson, before turning to Ronald. "Hey Ron. Uh. How's it going?"

"It was better before you got here. What are you doing with my girlfriend? And why did she say your dad could've been half centaur?"

Neville blinked several times before a dopey grin spread across his face. "She actually said that?"

"Yes! In front of everyone! Now out with it!"

Neville's eyebrows knitted together as he realised the redhead was staring at his crotch. "Out with what? Like, you want me to pull my dick out for you to see?"

Ron spluttered for a moment before finally just saying "Why the fuck not! Let's lay them out! See what all the fuss is about!" With that he began fighting with the button of his pants to pull out his own cock. Neville met the eyes of the other guys in the room, who were all giving alternating looks of curiosity and disbelief, before shrugging and beginning to undo his zip as well. Neither man noticed Blaise slip to the door and flip the open sign to close as lock the door - for their own protection and that of the shop's. 

A moment later Ron pulled his cock out in triumph only to have his shout of victory silenced by a large thud. Eyes as big as saucers he looked down at the glass display case separating him and Neville to see all ten inches of Neville's glorious cock laying on the counter. Not only was it substantial in size and girth, the thud had masked the tiny "tink tink tink" sound of metal hitting glass - for Neville's cock was also quite adorned with piercings.

"What in the fuck have you done to your cock mate?!" Exclaimed Ron in horror.

Neville simply shrugged. "Made it into a weapon of pleasure."

Beside him, Theo whistled and Blaise smacked him on the back. "Fucking hell, Nev! That's a thing of beauty!"

"You should call Charlie out to see that," added Draco peering over Nev's shoulder. "He'd appreciate the multiple Prince Albert's."

Ron's face was a strange combination of pale and green as he continued to stare at Neville's dick. His own penis seemed to shrink in comparison to the cock in front of him and he quietly slid it back into his pants as he asked why the fuck his brother would care.

"Cause I'm a piercer idiot," chimed in Charlie, walking into the room. The man was completely unphased by the cock sitting on the counter and greeted the other man jovially. "Oh, looks like that second PA healed nicely Neville, but when did you get that third and fourth bar? Have you been cheating on me?"

Neville greeted the other man with a laugh. "It was Mi's idea, when we were in London a few weeks ago visiting her folks. She went in to get her nipples pierced and one thing led to another."

"Hermione got her nipples pierced?" Gaped Ron, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.

"Fucking hell that woman gets even more perfect everytime I see her," commented Theo. "Hold on to her mate."

Neville grinned. "You have no clue. I'm a lucky bloke."

"Yes, you are," added a female voice . Hermione had a stencil on her arm of her next half sleeve - Athena and her owl. "I was going to ask what you think of the placement but I see you boys are up to shenanigans."

"100% Weasel's fault," sneered Draco, turning to see Hermione's arm. "It looks good but the bird could be placed a little better so it doesn't cut off when you're in profile."

"I thought so too," she said with a smile. "Right then, I only see one cock here. Whip them out boys. If we're doing show and tell, might as well all play."

"Does that mean you're going to show us your pierced nipples?" queried Charlie with zero shame.

Hermione blushed and looked at her boyfriend who gave her a shrug of the shoulders in response. "Fine, for every cock on the counter, I'll give you one second to see my nipples."

At her words there was a mad dash to move towards the counter and whip out cocks, but Ron merely took a step back in shock. "Neville, are you just gonna let her show her-her breasts to other blokes like that?"

"First of all, I don't let her do anything - it's her body and she can do with it what she likes - irregardless of any one else opinion, but especially yours. Second of all, it's just a breast- you see them everywhere and third of all," he added with a cheeky grin, "she likes to be watched."

Hermione blushed again as she nudged her boyfriend with her shoulder. "I think it's hot," she confessed.

"Fucking perfect," muttered Theo again.

"Marry her," added Blaise.

"Marry me," Grinned Draco with a wink. 

"Get in line, Malfoy," chimed Charlie. 

"You boys are ridiculous," giggled Hermione. Her eyes drifted downwards and she caught her breath at the number of cocks on the counter. It seemed all five boys - including her best friend - had whipped out their cocks in exchange for to seeing her nipples. 

"So silly," she giggled again, but her words weren't taken seriously as her pink tongue darted out to lick her lips. "They're all so pretty."

"Love, I'm fairly certain you shouldn't call a man's cock pretty."

"Probably not," she admitted, "but they're so nice looking, and all good sizes."

Neville picked his cock up and tucked it away, "and which one do you want?"

"I don't know, " she mumbled stepping in front of him, effectively running her ass against his cock and drawing a hiss from the man. "Do I have to pick only one?"

"Pick only one? You mean?" Ron's words suddenly made the other men stare at her with interest.

"Who was the better fuck?" She asked Neville over her shoulder.

"Well I can't speak to Potter or Blaise, but Theo sucks cock like a man possessed and there isn't a surface I can think of that Draco didn't bend over beautifully."

"He is pretty," she admitted noting the blonde's cheeks had tinged pink while Theo's chest had puffed up slightly. "Anyone else?" 

Draco cleared his throat, "I can attest that Theo gives the best head out of the group, but Potter's a close second. Blaise can fuck you so hard that you'll walk funny for a week."

"Good orgasm?"

Draco nodded once before tucking himself away. "Babe, I can't pick."

"I figured you'd say that. Pick one or two for tonight then and then we'll do the rest over the month."

Grins were shared all around as the remaining men tucked themselves away. 

"Share!" Screeched Ron. "And you!" he accused stabbing a finger at Harry "you slept with the enemy!"

"Yes," replied Harry without shame or hesitation. "And they were fucking good everytime. Hell, Malfoy and I have been fucking in the back room for six months- how do you think Hermione knew about it to have a go at Nev last week?"

Chuckles spread around the group. "Oh, before I forget," murmured Hermione picking up the corners of her tank top - exposing her pierced nipples to the men in front of her. She gave a low murmur of pleasure as she felt the familiar hand of her boyfriend cup one breast before he shifted his body from behind her to suck a pert nipple into his mouth. 

"Nev," she whispered, caught between arousal and amusement. 

"Sorry love, figured you'd like it since you like an audience." Hermione gave a low moan as he licked her nipple before pulling her top down. "Need a quick fuck?"

"Yes, please," she hummed.

"You can use the chair in my room," offered Draco. 

"Only if you want to watch."

"Like I'm saying no to that!"

"Rock paper scissor to find out who's going to dinner with us," added Neville as he steered his girlfriend out of the room and after Malfoy.

"Did that just happen?"

"Lucky bastard."

"Potter, I think I owe you a fuck."

"Anytime Zabini."

"Perfect, that leaves Charlie and I to sort out dinner tonight," replied Theo gleefully.

"I already have dinner plans with Regulus tonight, mate, so be my guest. I popped her cherry a few years ago - always knew she'd grow into a fucking wildcat."

Theo shook the other man's hand. "You're a good man, Charlie. Remind me to repay the favor sometimes."

"Oh yes,” Charlie replied, his gaze drifting down to Theo’s full ips, “I've always said you've had some fine DSLs - nice to know it's true."

Theo laughed as Charlie left the room with nods to the others.

"Did Charlie just admit to fucking Hermione? My Hermione?" Ron sputtered suddenly. "My own brother shaved my girl!"

Theo sighed and turned to Harry, "Do you think he's broken? Dropped one too many times on his head as a babe perhaps?"

"It's possible," replied Blaise, unlocking the store. "Damn I need to go wank to relieve this tightness. I'll be back."

Theo and Harry waved the other man off as Ron continued to prattle and whine behind them. "What do you say Potter, pants a little tight?"

Harry gave the other man a grin. "Way too tight."

Nodding his head towards the back, he motioned for the other man to join him. "Hey Weaselbee don't forget to clean off the glass. Can't have the customers trying to find piercings through a film of cock smudges."

"Do you really think Neville's father was half centaur?" Asked Harry as they rounded the corner and entered the hall to the back rooms.

"I've always wondered that Potter, and that was before he put all those studs in there."

Both men shuddered. "Bet it feels fucking incredible inside though."

"I can't wait to find out," admitted Theo, "but first…" he pushed Harry into the bathroom and locked the door "I need to relieve the tightness in your pants." 

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos mean the world to me! 
> 
> Hope wherever you are in the world that you are home and you are safe. If you are a teacher, doctor, nurse, first responder, lorry driver, grocery worker, fast food worker, or someone else that is essential to our health and safety around the world THANK YOU for all that you are doing and the sacrifice you are making to save lives. 
> 
> **YOU ARE THE REAL HEROES IN OUR WORLD RIGHT NOW. PLEASE STAY SAFE. xx**


End file.
